march 2008

Others sing themselves to sleep 

while inside my head I write 

You wish you had the best of me,

but I'm not sure you're worth the fight 

And if you're thinking the same thing 

I don't really care,

cuz I was willing to let you in-

but you wouldn't let me share 

I'd let you turn the pages in my book 

if you promise to skip chapters 1 thru 9 

But just in case you didn't know...

before you came along, I was just fine 

So don't be thinking that cuz of you 

my world is crashing down 

cuz in actuality-

you're just another noun 

Saturday, December 20, 2003 4:33 pm

Someday,  I'll  know  why  I  wasn't  meant  

                       for you

I don't understand now and there's nothing 

                    I   can   do

I  wanted  you  with  all  my  heart

you realized that and tore it apart

         now  I have  to go along

         pretending nothing's wrong 

                          I'm   alright,   I'm   okay

                          just don't look at me that way 

you've  done enough  damage, you've done 

                      enough harm

    yes,  doing  it  all  with  your  wonderful

                          charm

Tell me you're sorry  ---  say that you care

This isn't a game -- why can't you play fair?

I'm sorry for  hoping  and  wishing  for you

I'm sorry  for  all the  sleepless nights  that

                          I  knew 

I just wanted acceptance, approval, and all

But I messed up, tripped- I'm slipping, might

                             fall

          Always just wanted you to see

              There's more to this silly,

                  dumb girl inside me 

{it's funny how this one is about a guy i hardly knew. i seriously knew nothing of heartache then, but at the time i felt so rejected. reading it makes me think it'd fit almost any other guy better ha ha i guess it's true how they say you never forget your first crush... although, technically, my first crush was david menlove in kindergarten he he he i guess this was my first crush that i was actually old enough to date. whoa, i just realized besides one phone conversation in which he informed me that he didn't want to go to girl's pref with me - i have never talked to him. ever. wow}

side note

       I've written several poems about Nate- during different stages of our relationship and they are so special to me because I love him like I've never loved anyone else. However, a lot of poems I have were written long before I met Nate. I think I started writing when I was about 15. It is such a release for me. I tend to hold my emotions in and then explode later, so writing it all out helps immensely. A lot of my earlier stuff is kinda sad or angry. Ya know how it is during those teenage years when you think no one understands and you're a weirdo for feeling the way you do? Ha ha, yeah I got lots of poems like that.

       I also think I wrote at least one poem for every guy I ever really liked. Even though I don't have those feelings now it's fun to read things I wrote a while ago because I capture so clearly the things I felt at that moment. I feel like maybe when I have kids and they are going through things and think I'll never understand I can pull out some of my poems and say, "Ha read this! See? I do know what you're going though." Life isn't perfect. No one is happy all the time. Everyone makes mistakes. And I think that's the beauty of it: to be able to look back and see how far you've come, to see that you've made it through, and you've changed because of it.

       There are a few poems that I've re-read from when I had my very first crush and they are so hilarious. It feels so good to know that I've matured from that moment. And there are others that are desperately sad and I'm so glad I found a way to get through those hard times. Maybe it'll help me to know that when future problems/hardships arrive I'll get through them, too. Anyways, just wanted to give ya a little insight because I think the next few poems I'll post will be pre-Nate. It's not because I'm unhappy where I'm at, and it's not because I wish things were different. It's simply because these poems are full of real emotions I felt at that time and I love the wordplay or rhymes I used to express it.

       I don't have regrets; I don't feel sorry for the things I've felt. I believe I am the person I am now because of my experiences- good and bad. Without them I just wouldn't be the same. And I'm really beginning to like the person I'm becoming :) I just hope I will never settle with myself because I know there is always room for improvement.

quote

I love finding good quotes. I used to collect them, but I have always had this one favorite:

"GREAT MINDS DISCUSS IDEAS, 

AVERAGE MINDS DISCUSS THINGS,

SMALL MINDS DISCUSS PEOPLE."

Whenever I read this quote I think about how true it is. And isn't it sad when all we do is talk about other people? I think everyone is guilty of it but it would be so neat if we all discussed the things we believed in or hoped for instead of "did you hear this and that about so and so?" I dunno- I think it'd be awesome. You'd probably get to know a person a lot better too. I guess this quote just really makes me not want to gossip. I'd rather not think of myself as small-minded :)

"july flame" by laura veirs

i love laura veirs :) i love this song, especially since it is july- it just fits. you should listen to it, but if not... here are the lyrics:

July flame
Fiery kite

Will-o-the-Wisp

Lead me through the night

July flame

Sweet summer peach

High up in the branch

Just out of my reach

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

July flame

I'm seeing fireworks

They're so beautiful

Tell me why it hurts

July flame

Ashes of a secret heart

Falling in my lemonade

Unslakable thirsting in the backyard

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

psst! another song of hers i love love love is 

"summer is the champion" it's just so good!

rain

it's raining words inside my head 

things i've thought but never said 

i'm running backwards in my dreams 

i feel like i'm ripping at the seams 

i'm waiting & waiting 

(more contemplating) 

tripping over & over again 

wondering when it will all begin 

the rain is pounding like my heart 

but still i'm waiting for it to start . . .

fast sunday

So usually during Fast and Testimony meeting I kinda review my testimony. Sometimes I say it in my head the way I would if I were to get up and share it. I think I've only shared my testimony 4 times publicly (seminary, twice in the singles ward, and girl's camp). I'm kinda a baby when it comes to public speaking. And I always feel more nervous afterwards ha ha which makes me feel like I should have just kept to myself in the first place. But I know that when others share their testimony, mine is strengthened- so it makes me feel bad that I have such a hard time with this whole public thing. I seriously get so nervous I think my heart is going to explode! Anyways, this last Sunday I thought a lot about my own testimony- more than usual- even after we got home from church I was still thinking/pondering about it. I feel like I need to share it. I should. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the Gospel- why not share that with others? It'll be so much easier to do it here than in person, but it's a start, right?

I know that my Heavenly Father lives and that He loves me and watches over me. I know He has a plan for me.

I know that Jesus Christ suffered, died, and atoned not only for my sins but for my heartaches, pains, afflictions- anytime I have ever felt down or lonely- anytime I have ever been hurt in any way. I know that it is my duty through faith and repentance to utilize the atonement. I know that I must do my part to receive the blessings Heavenly Father has to offer. 

I also know that Satan is very real and that he wants to bring me down- he does not want me to be happy or receive blessings. He wants me to feel discouraged and to forget of the love of God and the power of repentance. Everyday I need to be on guard and look out for Satan's temptations. But I know that my Heavenly Father won't allow me to be tempted above what I am able to resist. Which means Satan will only win if I let him and I will not. I cannot. There is nothing I want more than to be surrounded by my family and loved ones in the presence of my Heavenly Father again. And I know I will get there if I am faithful and strive to keep the commandments.

I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God. It truly is "another testament of Christ". I know when I study my scriptures often and abide by it's council I am brought closer to God. And I know that I can receive personal revelation from reading and studying them. 

I know that the Holy Ghost is a gift to guide me and that by listening and following it, I will always be safe. 

I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. There is no other way. I know that it is through that special relationship that we are to bring Heavenly Father's children into the world and teach them of Him and His love. I know that through the amazing sealing powers of the temple our family will be eternal. 

I have a testimony of the priesthood. I know it is real- that it is truly power from God here on earth. Without it so many basic principles of the gospel would be empty: baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, patriarchal blessings, eternal marriage . . . They are all only possible because of the keys of the priesthood. 

I have a testimony of patriarchal blessings. I know they are a special message, a personal message from our Heavenly Father to help us feel of His love, to give us guidance and hope. 

As I said before, I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and as I do what is right and live my life according to the gospel principles and Christ's example His plan will begin to unfold. I know that I have great potential because I know I am a daughter of God. I know that He is the only one I should try and please because His judgment is the only one that matters. 

I know I will continue to make mistakes in my life and that many times I will fall short of my goals, but that makes everything I know so much more meaningful. I know if I try my best, my brother and Savior will take care of everything else. That is part of the plan of salvation. A plan I know and believe in with all my heart. 

song

when me and nate had been dating about 6 months i wrote this song. it doesn't have a title yet and i never really set it to music but when i read it- it's got it's own little tune, so to me it's more of a song than a poem.

if you could see inside my head
you might get lost- just like i did
cuz nothing's where you'd think it'd be
and im having trouble finding me

we would sleep all day and talk all night
and when you tried to leave- i'd put up a fight
i could stare at you til dawn's first light
begging you to hold me tight
and i'd kiss you, i'd kiss you with all my might
whisperin', gigglin', feeling so right

if you could see inside my heart
it's like an engine that wouldn't start
cuz i got stuck, i got stuck on you
and i'm having trouble getting thru

we would sleep all day and talk all night
and when you tried to leave- i'd put up a fight
i could stare at you til dawn's first light
begging you to hold me tight
and i'd kiss you, i'd kiss you with all my might
whisperin', gigglin', feeling so right

if you could see inside my soul
i'm sure it's anything but dull
cuz you've ignited something in me
and i'm having trouble setting it free

we would sleep all day and talk all night
and when you tried to leave- i'd put up a fight
i could stare at you til dawn's first light
begging you to hold me tight
and i'd kiss you, i'd kiss you with all my might
whisperin', gigglin', feeling so right

so look me in the eye and tell me this is real
take me by the hand and show me what you feel
you better promise me that you'll always stay
cuz it'd be impossible to find another way