winter

Ya know, I don't love winter. I don't love the snow and I'm definitely not fond of the cold. However, I feel there is a certain kind a magic that exists only in the winter. To me, winter means layering clothes and having lots of warm blankets available, sitting on the heater vents and drinking hot cocoa or wassail. Warm fuzzy socks, hats, gloves, leg and arm warmers, and scarfs all add to the wintery feel {and quite honestly I couldn't do winter without them}.

In high school I had an English class assignment one year where we were asked to write our thoughts on winter. I like the poem I wrote because even though it doesn't express how wonderful winter is {or anything like that} I feel like it still captures the magic I feel in it.

WINTER NIGHT

wind chimes sing as a breeze blows 

snowflakes fall on my lashes and nose 

christmas lights twinkle like the stars 

while hearing distant screeching cars 

airplanes fly up in the air 

leaves fall from the trees, leaving them bare 

deep and dark clouds fill up the sky 

cold settles in as i see my breath fly

hovering like fog on a night just like this

the air bites and stings as i'm being wind-kissed

The only other poem I've ever written about winter is a little more depressing :( but I feel like winter is a combination of those two things: magical and depressing. I'm not sure if that really makes sense but really I can only take so much of it. Christmas is definitely one of my most favorite holidays but winter is my least favorite season. I think Christmas is in the winter time to help me through it :)

i don't know if i can make it through another winter 

~ overcast ~ trees bare ~ 

you could see the sadness hovering in the air 

i want to dust it ~ clean it out ~ 

need the sun to wash away my doubt 

feel the warmth back on my skin 

and other places i'd forget it'd been

and yet it all reminds me of you 

why is trying to forget so hard to do? 

i can't let myself miss you like i miss the sun 

i'm torn between wanting you and being done

It's barely even snowed this winter and I'm already starting to miss the sun and how good it feels to be warm all over! I'm so glad there is still Christmas to look forward to :)
{which I'm super extra excited for this year-maybe because we get 2! Christmases, maybe because we get to see so much family, or maybe because I feel the love of my Savior and have so many wonderful blessings in my life~ I'm just so excited about all of it!}.

Perhaps in February I will make Nate take me to Brazil where they will be having their summer . . . ?

So Thankful For So Much:

  I am thankful for my body 

and that I have all my limbs and function properly. 

I am thankful for ears that hear and eyes that see 

(and contact lenses that help me see more clearly).

I am thankful for modern medicine, flushing toilets, household appliances, and clean drinking water.

I'm thankful for a working dishwasher, for kind neighbors and caring friends, and a bed to sleep in.

I'm thankful that I have clothes and shoes and coats and gloves.

I'm thankful for our home and a garage to keep our cars in.

Thankful that we have two working cars.

I'm thankful for my job and for Nate's job also.

I'm thankful for the scriptures 

and the experiences those people 

went thru in order for us to have them. 

I'm thankful for a living prophet. 

 I'm so thankful that I have the Holy Ghost 

as my constant companion. 

I'm thankful for the temple and the covenants 

I've made there with my Heavenly Father.

  

I am eternally thankful for a loving Heavenly Father 

who knows me and my potential.

 I'm thankful for a sweet husband who takes care of me 

and loves me unconditionally. 

I'm thankful for my testimony 

and the knowledge I have of the gospel. 

I'm thankful for family- for their love and support. 

I am truly blessed with so many things in my life- I know at times some of these things get taken advantage of or I forget how much I really have. I'm thankful for holidays that help remind me of how blessed I am- although I should count my blessings a lot more than once a year. I feel like holidays-especially Christmas- has become so commercialized and materialistic that people forget what it's really all about. If everyone donated all the money they would have spent for Christmas [not just gifts but lights, decorations, food, etc...] to the poor and needy I would bet that would be a pretty good chunk of money. It makes me sad to think that there are people out there who don't have a bed to sleep in or shoes to keep their feet warm- thousands of people who don't have clean water to drink :( and here I am taking 30 min showers. I really am so grateful to have as much as I do and I hope that I can try harder to not take it for granite and appreciate more.

I'm thankful that I was brought up in the church 

and that both mine and Nate's families are close.

I'm thankful for the plan of salvation. 

I am so thankful for Christ and His atonement 

and that I've come to understand a portion of it 

-that it does not only cover my sins 

but also any physical, mental, 

or emotional pain as well- 

that it wasn't just for me or just the people I love and care about- but for anyone who chooses to accept it

[in this life or the next]. 

Heavenly Father loves us so much 

He has figured out every way possible to help us get back to Him -if we don't get there- 

there is no one to blame but ourselves. 

Because of that I'm thankful for my free agency. 

I'm thankful 

{and a little flattered}

that my Heavenly Father trusts me enough 

to let me make my own choices.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

then & there to here & now

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i sleep alone

but every night i think of you 

and in my dreams 

i wander down your avenue

i wake up

wishing that you had a clue

and all my days 

i wonder what i should do

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

and if i cry myself to sleep tonight

i hope you know it's not because of you

and all the things you failed to do

i just can't give anymore

and what i've got not's enough

i think i'm carrying around too much stuff

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

so i shake it off and count to ten

wait till i can breathe again

push it to the back of my mind

try to let myself unwind

forget what was said, forget how i feel

almost wish loving you didn't have to be real

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

i look at you and

wonder what you see

when you're staring 

back at me

1, 2, 3 & 4

i won't worry 

anymore

cuz worry worry

thoughts a flurry

you got me here

i ain't going

nowheres, dear

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

these were all poems i wrote while me and nate were dating. i know they are kinda sad, but i feel like anything worth having is worth fighting for. never in my life had i wanted anything more than to be with nate forever. in that two and a half year span there were definitely some low points but neither of us ever gave up on each other and i think it helped our relationship become stronger {and me much much more patient}. i think if everything had always been super perfect it wouldn't have felt real.

i dunno if this is totally weird but i'm grateful for those struggles- everything we went thru helped us to get to where we are now. and yes, life {in general} is still not perfect, but nate is so perfect for me and i love that we are in it together. when we were dating i used to always say, "nate, let's go on an adventure! let's go exploring!" and i feel like that's what we've been able to do together- explore life and have our own little adventures . . . and maybe no one else would think anything about our lives are extra special but to me any time i get to spend with nate is so wonderful, exciting, and adventurous :)

think~think~thinking

This morning I couldn't go back to sleep after Nate left for work. I feel like my mind is on overdrive- thinking way too much about things I have no {or mostly no} control over. I think I'm really good at doing that when I can't fall asleep. Here's just a few things I was thinking... perhaps you'll find them amusing:

• trying to think of more ways to help my hair grow faster (I'm already brushing it a lot, massaging my scalp, taking certain vitamins... but really what else can you do but wait?)
• thinking about how I like to post my poems on here but I haven't actually written anything new for a long time
• birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas
• family & how much my little nieces and nephew have grown
• what to wear & how to style my hair today
• about Facebook & if I should delete my account (I think I spend too much time on there sometimes... I used to check it maybe[?] once a week & now I feel weird if I go a whole day without checking it- I don't like feeling that addiction/dependancy or whatever you wanna call it)
• about how I go thru phases of not caring what people think about me and then all of a sudden I can be super self-conscious 
• how I need to figure out a better work out schedule otherwise it's not going to become a habit like it should
• thinking of how much I love to wear nate's sweats, socks, & baggy long sleeve shirts to bed
• about how much I hate the cold & winter time- holidays & birthdays do help quite a bit but i already miss the sun & it's warmth so much :(
• crafts & projects I'm working on
• plans: weekend plans, after work plans, lunch plans, birthday plans, holiday plans, future plans, vacation plans.... {Did I get all the right days off at work? Is Nate taking the fast bus to his parents' house that day? What time do we need to be there?} Ya know & all that jazz that comes with any types of plans
• how I am in desperate need of a manicure & pedicure
• how I wish I had more time to paint
• wish I had more time in general (when you're grown up time just seems to speed up)
• how badly I need to find a good chiropractor in the area
• that movie Alice in Wonderland ~we watched it for the first time the other night- I liked it~ ya know that part where she says, "Some days I think 6 impossible things before breakfast..."? ha ha that's what I was thinking about this morning
• how I need to catch up in my one journal (I'm at the part where me & Nate have started dating & I've told him I love him but we're only about 2 months into it... so I'm like almost 3.5 years behind :( & so much good stuff has happened since then!)
• how bad of a day yesterday was & now it's thursday- my favorite day of the week :)
• hoping I feel better today but acknowledging that my sore throat is still present 
• about things I need to work on/be better at doing

I'm probably forgetting a few things but still- that's quite a bit to think about between 5:30am & now (it's 7:30am- time to get ready for work- already know what i'm gonna wear ha ha). I think I think more in the early morning than at any other time of the day -sometimes the middle of the night too- hate it when that happens... as much fun as it is to think & rethink the things you've already thought about I'd really rather just sleep & not worry so much, HOWEVER... my mind doesn't always work that way :) 

some older poems

i'll get over you

like a bad habit

i'll forget you like

yesterday's news                                            

i'll dismiss you

like the bell for class

and i'll leave you alone

like i never cared

leave you alone

cuz i never dared  

leave you alone

cuz i'm a little scared                                                                                                                 

                     4:26 am. migraine headache

                             you are the one    

                          trapped in my head

                          pounding to get out 

                            stupid toothpaste   

                            i use it everyday

                  relieved it doesn't taste like you 

                   wish i could get you outta me 

                     i'd throw up a million times   

                      if i thought it'd set me free

                                rolling tears 

                       my eyes, the very hue of         

                       your favorite color, grow

                       lighter as the color slips

                    out & slides down my face

      

                                                    i'm getting rid of     

                                                     thoughts of you        

                                                 disappointment stuck 

                                                          like glue

                                                     cuz there were           

                                               things you never asked              

                                                        living a lie,                      

                                                 my feelings masked...

                                                    i've finally found  

                                                    the words to say:    

                                                  i don't need a friend          

                                                                    like you anyway.

one, two, and three

My mind is a maze 

Arrayed in a craze 

Cuz my thoughts and views 

Often get confused 

See, I feel quite a lot 

With this heart that I've got 

So I wish and I hope 

I try and I cope 

And I pray I don't break 

Despite all the ache 

But I'm learning anew 

Not only to think but to do 

And I'm counting to three 

Cuz I just need to breathe

. . . . . . . 

But starting off with Him every day 

Makes life so much better than okay 

And when I'm tired and feel caught 

I think of the words that He taught

And I know He sees inside- 

That I try what's right when I decide 

Even when life is tart . . . 

Need to be positive

 Cuz this is just the start :)

marriage takes three

Last Sunday, I was at my parent's home for a little while. We were trying to decide on bridesmaid's dresses for my little sister's wedding. It's kinda fun because she gets married about a month after our anniversary- and they are getting married in the same temple we did (Draper). Also, Nate's brother is getting married the day after them and in that temple also ha ha. We are so excited for both of them :)

Right before I left there Sunday, my sweet Grandma Lybbert handed me (and I'm guessing my other sisters) this beautiful poem. With our anniversary this Friday and weddings coming up it was a great reminder to center our lives around Christ and how that will strengthen a marriage.

Marriage Takes Three

I once thought marriage took

Just two to make a go

But now I am convinced

It takes the Lord also

And not one marriage fails

Where Christ is asked to enter

As lovers come together

With Jesus at the center

But marriage seldom thrives

And homes are incomplete

Till He is welcomed there

To help avoid defeat

In homes where Christ is first

It's obvious to see

Those unions really work

For marriage still takes three

~Joan Welch 

I am so grateful for my all my family. We are so blessed to have loving, caring, and supportive family- on both sides. I'm so grateful that the Gospel is an important part in our lives and that we can be with our families forever.

I'm so grateful for my patient and loving husband- he is so sweet. It's been a wonderful year- with ups and downs, many many laughs and a few struggles. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Last night Me and Nate were talking about little ways we've both changed in the last year and they were all positive things! (Maybe we we're both just being extra nice ha ha) It was fun though to look back and see how we've grown together. 

I'm excited to get started on our second year of marriage. I feel a little more prepared for any challenges that may come. It's fun to think where we might be a year from now- or 2 or 5 or 10. I'm just so glad to have Nate by my side and ya know- it's just fun to know we have the rest of forever to be with each other and create more memories and have limitless adventures. 

I think the poem above helped me to remember that hard times will come- but if we continue to do what's right- the Lord will always be there to help us and guide us. I have faith in the future because of that knowledge.