sometimes i'm a little clingy :)

{this morning i had such a hard time letting nate leave for work and at 5:20 am being 1/2 asleep i think it seemed like the worst possible thing. anyways, after he left i couldn't go back to sleep . . . i was thinking about him and hurried and jotted this poem down. after that i was out - almost slept thru all 3 of my alarms ha ha}

when you look at me, i feel like you can see inside 

and i know it'd be so foolish for me to try to hide 

but i like it- yes, i do . . .  

i'm not ever getting over you 

you hold me long, you kiss me sweet 

and somehow all my fears you defeat 

and when you make me smile- 

it's like the world's on pause for a little while 

let's just stay in this place 

you know i love your handsome face 

isn't it neat? isn't grand- 

that i will always get to hold your hand? 

can't believe your all mine 

and life is sweet and so splendidly fine. 

i've decided i truly lucked out, 

cuz you make me so happy and that's what love's about :) 

believe

i believe in dreaming. i believe in sunsets and rainbows. i believe in butterfly kisses and hot afternoons. i believe in bubbles and making wishes. 

i believe in being honest and passionate.

i believe in singing. i believe in being me. i believe in tickle wars and pillow fights. i believe in giving chances and stealing second glances at something that catches my eye. i believe in winking and blowing kisses. i believe in compliments. i believe in constructive criticism.

i believe in laughter.

i believe in late night phone calls. i believe in shooting stars and wishing wells. i believe in freckles and padded bras. i believe in stripes and polka dots. i believe in teddy bears. i believe in seat belts and toothpaste, straight teeth, and long passionate kisses. 

i believe in being in love.

i believe in sharing and caring and doing what's right. i believe in alarm clocks and calendars. i believe in shoes and lip gloss. i believe in deodorant, dresses, puddles, campfires, and fresh cut grass in the summertime. i believe in keychains and rubber bands, red pens, and bobby pins. 

i believe in writing what you feel and i believe in saying what you think. 

I BELIEVE IN GOD.

i believe in long naps, climbing trees, picking dandelions, and dancing when no one is watching. i believe in superstition and intuition, revelation, inspiration. i believe in being modest- in thought and dress. i believe in standing up for something. 

i believe in goals and i believe in causes.

i believe in fuzzy slippers and fluffy pillows, picnic blankets, shady trees, being frivolous and just silly things. i believe in hairspray and dryer sheets. i believe in being feminine. 

i believe in unforgettable moments.

i believe in knowing what you want and going after it. i believe in contact solution, lucky pennies, old musicals, and poofy dresses. 

i believe in being maturely immature.

 i believe in breakfast, kitty cats, and welcome mats. i believe in back porch swings and pink lemonade. i believe in sunrises, surprises, cherry blossoms, daisies, lilacs and lilies, dragon snaps and pansies, tulips and roses. i believe in photographs, love notes, journal entries, handmade sail boats, wind chimes and butterflies.

i believe in losing track of time.

i believe in being on time. i believe in flats, flirting, and chocolate frosting. i believe in natural beauty. i believe in having a plan B.

i believe in color and i believe in heaven.

i believe in good intentions. i believe in being loyal. i believe in dressing up. i believe in warm, comfy pj's. i believe in good friends. i believe in being accepting. 

i believe in angels.

i believe in personal space. i believe in classy PDA. i believe in good manners. i believe in being kind. i believe in being barefoot. i believe in lazy sunday afternoons. i believe in being daring and adventurous.

  

i believe in the power of the priesthood.

i believe in compromise, except when it comes to your values. i believe that for every choice there is a consequence- whether good or bad. 

i believe in creating peace.

i believe in the power of self-control and determination. i believe some things are not meant to be understood. i believe in rain boots and thunderstorms. i believe in dream catchers. 

i believe God knows all.

i believe in treating others the way you would like to be treated. i believe in morning snuggles and i believe in midnight snacks. i believe in positive thinking. 

i believe in being a thinker and a doer. 

i believe in doing things without seeking a reward. i believe in prayer. i believe in music and dancing. i believe in willpower.  i believe in motherhood and i believe in making memories. i believe in sit-down  family dinners. i believe in eating slowly. i believe in letting go and moving on. i believe in taking it all in. i believe in learning new things. i believe in embracing chaos. 

i believe that there is power in believing in something 

{whether or not it is truly important doesn't matter, because}

 i believe my beliefs make up who i am. 

regret

In the dictionary the word REGRET has a few meanings:

A. "to mourn the loss or death of"
B. "to miss very much"
C. "to feel very sorry for"

Weird.  I guess I never really thought about it much in those ways.  And I'm not sure people really use 'regret' like that.  For example: when Nate is gone, sometimes I miss him very much- but would I say, "Oh, Nate, how I regret you." ???  Um, no- it just sounds wrong ha ha.

Ya know, it's not really a word I use that often- maybe I've always used it incorrectly . . .  but I wanna talk about my definition:

"wish I hadn't done that"

or I think more correctly:

"because of actions I did or didn't take I now feel upset with myself and have a hard time not thinking what I would have done differently- it's hard to let go."

Yes, that's exactly how I view regret.  Sure, there are some things I've felt that way towards but many of those experiences I've learned something from so it makes it worth it.  I remember reading a quote once that said something like:

[it is not the mistakes we make 

that determine who we are, 

but how we deal with them].

I think that's so true and maybe it is also because I believe so firmly in the power of repentance.  That even if we do make awful mistakes, because of Christ's atonement we have the opportunity to express our regret and take the appropriate steps towards repentance and be forgiven of those things.  Isn't that amazing?  I love it!  And I love that there is no limit to it.  It applies to all sins or regrets, big or small.  And then it goes beyond that and can heal you and help you move on.  Those sins, regrets, internal struggles are lifted and you no longer need to "feel sorry".  Because of sincere repentance, it no longer matters.  I'm not saying that consequences will be removed but the Lord will help you through them. 

I think it is safe for me to say that the one thing I truly regret is not listening or following the Holy Ghost when I've felt it's promptings.  It is there to help us avoid temptations and bad situations, but also to guide us and help us help others.  When we don't follow it I think we are kinda setting ourselves up for failure and regret and I think that most of them time we know that.

I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the Gospel and of repentance.  I am so grateful for a loving and forgiving Heavenly Father who allows us to have a million second chances if we want to.  But that's the thing- we need to want it, want to be better and continue to deal with our mistakes.  I think once we have that desire it is easier for everything else to work properly {the atonement, repentance, feeling God's love, forgiving yourself... just everything :)}

favorites

About a week ago I asked Nate if he knew what my favorite things were. His response: "Hmmm... reading, sleeping, eating?" Ha ha I was like, "Well- yeah... but I mean things- like items."  He said, "Oh, that's hard- you're not very materialistic." (which is true) We then both threw out a few things that could possibly count. It's funny cuz ever since then I've been thinking...."What ARE my most favorite things?" This is what I decided on:

NATE

[of course :)] I love pretty much everything about him and anything that includes him (kissing, snuggling, just hanging out, etc . . .)

GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES 

total comfort food mmm . . .

LONG SOCKS

i hate short socks- they have to go like clear up to my knees ha ha or else they just drive me crazy

THE TEMPLE 

so amazing. the end

JUICY FRUIT 

not the gum ha ha but like actual fruit that is juicy. i crave it all the time!

BOOKS 

i'm not picky. i love to read- it's like escaping into a different world

MY BLANKY 

:) i'm trying not to think of when i won't be able to sleep with it anymore ha ha i know i'm such a baby

EASTER DRESSES

ok, so i love dresses in general BUT there is just something special about getting a pretty spring dress around Easter time

RED LIPSTICK 

i think personality wise i'm not a really BOLD person. i don't take a lot of risks so it's kinda fun to wear bold makeup- i mean really- what are you risking? you can wash it off at the end of the day

MY SCRIPTURES

i love that i have my own and can mark them up and write little notes and things in them. reading someone elses' scriptures just wouldn't be the same.

SWIMSUITS

ha i think i have at least 8 different ones . . . nate has one. they are so fun tho

FIREWORKS

just so pretty and magical- they take my breath away

MUSIC

i LOVE music! it can be so uplifting and just make me feel good all over

CURLY HAIR

curls can be kinda flirty or more formal, they can be just fun or super glam and feminine. and there are so many different styles you can do with them.  i love that my hair holds curl so well. i think it looks better curly vs. straight. i also love that i've got such an awesome curling iron :)

OLD MUSICALS

they are just feel good movies

There are other things that are my favorite but I can't really say why. Maybe it's just apart of who I am. Like wearing an apron when I cook or wearing my rain boots in the rain, doing a friend's hair or counting my tips at the end of the day, Sunday mornings, wearing Nate's clothes, singing in the shower, spending time with family, setting goals, writing Nate little love notes, driving with the windows down and the music up, catching up with a friend, learning something new . . . I know there's probably more but I think that mostly covers it :)

"smile like you mean it"

Yesterday, while I was driving all over the place I heard that song on the radio and it just made me think of how people are so much more beautiful when they smile . . . and they mean it. When they are truly happy and you get to see it in that expression. I believe when people are doing what is right that happiness just shines through.

Yesterday was my day off this week and it was literally jam packed, but oh so good!  I got up early to do a beautiful bride's hair at 6, then the rest of the day was spent making sure her hair looked perfect- plus I somehow squeezed in 3 haircuts, lunch with a friend, a visit at my grandmas, and played with my adorable nieces and nephew.

Even though it was a long day, I felt so good [besides the leg aches] because I know that I had made other people feel good. The bride loved her hair and was so appreciative and just so sweet and kept thanking me over and over. The haircuts I did had similar reactions- just so grateful that i'd take time out of my busy day- my day off- to do their hair. I truly believe that sometimes all it takes is a different or updated hairstyle to boost your confidence and that is why I love doing hair. I love making people feel good about themselves. I love making them smile. I think I like doing hair more outside of work cuz I'll usually do it without a mirror and then when I'm all finished I'll tell them to go take a look and it's like a big reveal - I love it.

The last haircut I did was for my really good friend, Julia {love her to death} and we ended up talking an additional two hours after the haircut ha ha. I love chatting with friends and just talking about life and having meaningful conversations. I love learning new things about my friends and seeing how they deal with certain challenges. Me and Julia have been friends since 7th grade and it's amazing to me to see the relationship we have now compared to then. Because we cherish the same values, I've felt our friendship grow. I love that! And I've seen that with a few other of my close friends and I am so grateful for them in my life and the example they are to me :)

I went back to my parent's to gather some things before heading home and was attacked by 3 little munchkins ha ha I love them so much- they are just so sweet and full of love and light. Right now I cannot fully imagine the love I will have for my own kids cuz I love my nieces and nephew so much- my heart is full- I would do anything for them. I'm so glad that they are all so close and that I get to see them often, that they know who I am and that I love them. I love to see them play nice and be kind and happy. Love it when they are all smiles and giggles and it breaks my heat when they are sad or get hurt. I just care about them and want them to be happy!

I just loved that my day was full of good friends, family, and beautiful happy smiling people :)

love songs

so i dunno why but the other day i was thinking about how a lot of love songs i like are actually off of movies and then i was trying to decide what would be my 

TOP 10 FAVORITE ROMANTIC SONGS 

FROM MOVIES

it was so hard to decide ha ha but here they are:

1) "Once Upon a Dream" from Sleeping Beauty
2) "So This is Love" from Cinderella

i had to put those two songs first because they are the ones i find humming to myself when i am in a really good mood :) it's funny cuz i'll start humming the one and then without even knownig i'm humming the other.

3) "If I Loved You" from Carousel

this is my all time favorite movie! i love all the songs in this movie and i always always cry in it.

4) "Moon River" from Breakfast at Tiffany's

ok, so maybe this is not technically a love song but i still love it, so i say it counts :)

5) "I'll Be Seeing You" from the Notebook
6) "Brighter Than Sunshine" from A Lot Like Love
7) "Tammy" from Tammy and the Bachelor

i watched this movie with my parents when i was engaged and after that i'd sing this song all the time- except singing, "tasha, tasha, tasha's in love" instead of tammy. ha ha i know, i'm so cheesy, huh?

8) "On My Own" from the play Les Miserables

when i was younger i was obsessed with this play {still think it'd be a dream come true to see it live} and we had the cd. i used to play this song on repeat, it's kinda sad but it is so good! i love it.

9) "Honeymoon" from I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now

so, if you haven't noticed i love old musicals. this one is really old (still in color tho-1947) and i have yet to find someone else who's actually seen it. it's such a cute movie. on our way back from our honeymoon i had this song stuck in my head. 

10) "You Were Meant For Me" from Singing in the Rain

there you have it!

it really was so hard to decide the order 

and there are a few songs that didn't make the list but came so close:

"I Could've Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady
"When the Children are Asleep" from Carousel
"Come What May" from Moulin Rouge
"Tonight" from West Side Story

thoughts of you

doubt flashes over hills of inconspicuous realizations 

sharp and stinging 

like the lightning that electrocutes my soul 

leaving me numb and tingly 

every time i close my eyes and see your face. 

it takes me back to another time 

when the air was thick with golden sun rays 

and my head was filled with you, 

when the world glowed with unnaturally vibrant hues

and the only thing 

worth reaching out to was your sweet embrace 

suffocating me with warmth and often unruly passion 

intoxicatingly frivolous

i was then, blinded by that light that shone 

from the depths of your eyes 

like the moon resurfacing a lake after hiding 

in the menacing clouds. 

your voice rings in my ears, but not the way it should 

it's angry, upset 

i overcorrect- losing balance once again 

my thoughts wander aimlessly

like they're lost in a dark forest unable to decide which path to choose 

for each pricks me with a sense of fear. 

lack of bravery and undeveloped determination 

play key 

in my melancholy melodic symphony. 

the soft tune pounds in my veins throughout the entirety of my existence 

making it impossible to sleep 

without dreaming of the if's and then's that engulf my thoughts 

holding me prisoner in myself. 

escaping excluded from the options i weigh 

i'm forced to live with me

...and thoughts of you from day to ever ending day.