winter

Ya know, I don't love winter. I don't love the snow and I'm definitely not fond of the cold. However, I feel there is a certain kind a magic that exists only in the winter. To me, winter means layering clothes and having lots of warm blankets available, sitting on the heater vents and drinking hot cocoa or wassail. Warm fuzzy socks, hats, gloves, leg and arm warmers, and scarfs all add to the wintery feel {and quite honestly I couldn't do winter without them}.

In high school I had an English class assignment one year where we were asked to write our thoughts on winter. I like the poem I wrote because even though it doesn't express how wonderful winter is {or anything like that} I feel like it still captures the magic I feel in it.

WINTER NIGHT

wind chimes sing as a breeze blows 

snowflakes fall on my lashes and nose 

christmas lights twinkle like the stars 

while hearing distant screeching cars 

airplanes fly up in the air 

leaves fall from the trees, leaving them bare 

deep and dark clouds fill up the sky 

cold settles in as i see my breath fly

hovering like fog on a night just like this

the air bites and stings as i'm being wind-kissed

The only other poem I've ever written about winter is a little more depressing :( but I feel like winter is a combination of those two things: magical and depressing. I'm not sure if that really makes sense but really I can only take so much of it. Christmas is definitely one of my most favorite holidays but winter is my least favorite season. I think Christmas is in the winter time to help me through it :)

i don't know if i can make it through another winter 

~ overcast ~ trees bare ~ 

you could see the sadness hovering in the air 

i want to dust it ~ clean it out ~ 

need the sun to wash away my doubt 

feel the warmth back on my skin 

and other places i'd forget it'd been

and yet it all reminds me of you 

why is trying to forget so hard to do? 

i can't let myself miss you like i miss the sun 

i'm torn between wanting you and being done

It's barely even snowed this winter and I'm already starting to miss the sun and how good it feels to be warm all over! I'm so glad there is still Christmas to look forward to :)
{which I'm super extra excited for this year-maybe because we get 2! Christmases, maybe because we get to see so much family, or maybe because I feel the love of my Savior and have so many wonderful blessings in my life~ I'm just so excited about all of it!}.

Perhaps in February I will make Nate take me to Brazil where they will be having their summer . . . ?

So Thankful For So Much:

  I am thankful for my body 

and that I have all my limbs and function properly. 

I am thankful for ears that hear and eyes that see 

(and contact lenses that help me see more clearly).

I am thankful for modern medicine, flushing toilets, household appliances, and clean drinking water.

I'm thankful for a working dishwasher, for kind neighbors and caring friends, and a bed to sleep in.

I'm thankful that I have clothes and shoes and coats and gloves.

I'm thankful for our home and a garage to keep our cars in.

Thankful that we have two working cars.

I'm thankful for my job and for Nate's job also.

I'm thankful for the scriptures 

and the experiences those people 

went thru in order for us to have them. 

I'm thankful for a living prophet. 

 I'm so thankful that I have the Holy Ghost 

as my constant companion. 

I'm thankful for the temple and the covenants 

I've made there with my Heavenly Father.

  

I am eternally thankful for a loving Heavenly Father 

who knows me and my potential.

 I'm thankful for a sweet husband who takes care of me 

and loves me unconditionally. 

I'm thankful for my testimony 

and the knowledge I have of the gospel. 

I'm thankful for family- for their love and support. 

I am truly blessed with so many things in my life- I know at times some of these things get taken advantage of or I forget how much I really have. I'm thankful for holidays that help remind me of how blessed I am- although I should count my blessings a lot more than once a year. I feel like holidays-especially Christmas- has become so commercialized and materialistic that people forget what it's really all about. If everyone donated all the money they would have spent for Christmas [not just gifts but lights, decorations, food, etc...] to the poor and needy I would bet that would be a pretty good chunk of money. It makes me sad to think that there are people out there who don't have a bed to sleep in or shoes to keep their feet warm- thousands of people who don't have clean water to drink :( and here I am taking 30 min showers. I really am so grateful to have as much as I do and I hope that I can try harder to not take it for granite and appreciate more.

I'm thankful that I was brought up in the church 

and that both mine and Nate's families are close.

I'm thankful for the plan of salvation. 

I am so thankful for Christ and His atonement 

and that I've come to understand a portion of it 

-that it does not only cover my sins 

but also any physical, mental, 

or emotional pain as well- 

that it wasn't just for me or just the people I love and care about- but for anyone who chooses to accept it

[in this life or the next]. 

Heavenly Father loves us so much 

He has figured out every way possible to help us get back to Him -if we don't get there- 

there is no one to blame but ourselves. 

Because of that I'm thankful for my free agency. 

I'm thankful 

{and a little flattered}

that my Heavenly Father trusts me enough 

to let me make my own choices.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

then & there to here & now

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i sleep alone

but every night i think of you 

and in my dreams 

i wander down your avenue

i wake up

wishing that you had a clue

and all my days 

i wonder what i should do

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

and if i cry myself to sleep tonight

i hope you know it's not because of you

and all the things you failed to do

i just can't give anymore

and what i've got not's enough

i think i'm carrying around too much stuff

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

so i shake it off and count to ten

wait till i can breathe again

push it to the back of my mind

try to let myself unwind

forget what was said, forget how i feel

almost wish loving you didn't have to be real

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

i look at you and

wonder what you see

when you're staring 

back at me

1, 2, 3 & 4

i won't worry 

anymore

cuz worry worry

thoughts a flurry

you got me here

i ain't going

nowheres, dear

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

these were all poems i wrote while me and nate were dating. i know they are kinda sad, but i feel like anything worth having is worth fighting for. never in my life had i wanted anything more than to be with nate forever. in that two and a half year span there were definitely some low points but neither of us ever gave up on each other and i think it helped our relationship become stronger {and me much much more patient}. i think if everything had always been super perfect it wouldn't have felt real.

i dunno if this is totally weird but i'm grateful for those struggles- everything we went thru helped us to get to where we are now. and yes, life {in general} is still not perfect, but nate is so perfect for me and i love that we are in it together. when we were dating i used to always say, "nate, let's go on an adventure! let's go exploring!" and i feel like that's what we've been able to do together- explore life and have our own little adventures . . . and maybe no one else would think anything about our lives are extra special but to me any time i get to spend with nate is so wonderful, exciting, and adventurous :)

think~think~thinking

This morning I couldn't go back to sleep after Nate left for work. I feel like my mind is on overdrive- thinking way too much about things I have no {or mostly no} control over. I think I'm really good at doing that when I can't fall asleep. Here's just a few things I was thinking... perhaps you'll find them amusing:

• trying to think of more ways to help my hair grow faster (I'm already brushing it a lot, massaging my scalp, taking certain vitamins... but really what else can you do but wait?)
• thinking about how I like to post my poems on here but I haven't actually written anything new for a long time
• birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas
• family & how much my little nieces and nephew have grown
• what to wear & how to style my hair today
• about Facebook & if I should delete my account (I think I spend too much time on there sometimes... I used to check it maybe[?] once a week & now I feel weird if I go a whole day without checking it- I don't like feeling that addiction/dependancy or whatever you wanna call it)
• about how I go thru phases of not caring what people think about me and then all of a sudden I can be super self-conscious 
• how I need to figure out a better work out schedule otherwise it's not going to become a habit like it should
• thinking of how much I love to wear nate's sweats, socks, & baggy long sleeve shirts to bed
• about how much I hate the cold & winter time- holidays & birthdays do help quite a bit but i already miss the sun & it's warmth so much :(
• crafts & projects I'm working on
• plans: weekend plans, after work plans, lunch plans, birthday plans, holiday plans, future plans, vacation plans.... {Did I get all the right days off at work? Is Nate taking the fast bus to his parents' house that day? What time do we need to be there?} Ya know & all that jazz that comes with any types of plans
• how I am in desperate need of a manicure & pedicure
• how I wish I had more time to paint
• wish I had more time in general (when you're grown up time just seems to speed up)
• how badly I need to find a good chiropractor in the area
• that movie Alice in Wonderland ~we watched it for the first time the other night- I liked it~ ya know that part where she says, "Some days I think 6 impossible things before breakfast..."? ha ha that's what I was thinking about this morning
• how I need to catch up in my one journal (I'm at the part where me & Nate have started dating & I've told him I love him but we're only about 2 months into it... so I'm like almost 3.5 years behind :( & so much good stuff has happened since then!)
• how bad of a day yesterday was & now it's thursday- my favorite day of the week :)
• hoping I feel better today but acknowledging that my sore throat is still present 
• about things I need to work on/be better at doing

I'm probably forgetting a few things but still- that's quite a bit to think about between 5:30am & now (it's 7:30am- time to get ready for work- already know what i'm gonna wear ha ha). I think I think more in the early morning than at any other time of the day -sometimes the middle of the night too- hate it when that happens... as much fun as it is to think & rethink the things you've already thought about I'd really rather just sleep & not worry so much, HOWEVER... my mind doesn't always work that way :) 

some older poems

i'll get over you

like a bad habit

i'll forget you like

yesterday's news                                            

i'll dismiss you

like the bell for class

and i'll leave you alone

like i never cared

leave you alone

cuz i never dared  

leave you alone

cuz i'm a little scared                                                                                                                 

                     4:26 am. migraine headache

                             you are the one    

                          trapped in my head

                          pounding to get out 

                            stupid toothpaste   

                            i use it everyday

                  relieved it doesn't taste like you 

                   wish i could get you outta me 

                     i'd throw up a million times   

                      if i thought it'd set me free

                                rolling tears 

                       my eyes, the very hue of         

                       your favorite color, grow

                       lighter as the color slips

                    out & slides down my face

      

                                                    i'm getting rid of     

                                                     thoughts of you        

                                                 disappointment stuck 

                                                          like glue

                                                     cuz there were           

                                               things you never asked              

                                                        living a lie,                      

                                                 my feelings masked...

                                                    i've finally found  

                                                    the words to say:    

                                                  i don't need a friend          

                                                                    like you anyway.

one, two, and three

My mind is a maze 

Arrayed in a craze 

Cuz my thoughts and views 

Often get confused 

See, I feel quite a lot 

With this heart that I've got 

So I wish and I hope 

I try and I cope 

And I pray I don't break 

Despite all the ache 

But I'm learning anew 

Not only to think but to do 

And I'm counting to three 

Cuz I just need to breathe

. . . . . . . 

But starting off with Him every day 

Makes life so much better than okay 

And when I'm tired and feel caught 

I think of the words that He taught

And I know He sees inside- 

That I try what's right when I decide 

Even when life is tart . . . 

Need to be positive

 Cuz this is just the start :)

marriage takes three

Last Sunday, I was at my parent's home for a little while. We were trying to decide on bridesmaid's dresses for my little sister's wedding. It's kinda fun because she gets married about a month after our anniversary- and they are getting married in the same temple we did (Draper). Also, Nate's brother is getting married the day after them and in that temple also ha ha. We are so excited for both of them :)

Right before I left there Sunday, my sweet Grandma Lybbert handed me (and I'm guessing my other sisters) this beautiful poem. With our anniversary this Friday and weddings coming up it was a great reminder to center our lives around Christ and how that will strengthen a marriage.

Marriage Takes Three

I once thought marriage took

Just two to make a go

But now I am convinced

It takes the Lord also

And not one marriage fails

Where Christ is asked to enter

As lovers come together

With Jesus at the center

But marriage seldom thrives

And homes are incomplete

Till He is welcomed there

To help avoid defeat

In homes where Christ is first

It's obvious to see

Those unions really work

For marriage still takes three

~Joan Welch 

I am so grateful for my all my family. We are so blessed to have loving, caring, and supportive family- on both sides. I'm so grateful that the Gospel is an important part in our lives and that we can be with our families forever.

I'm so grateful for my patient and loving husband- he is so sweet. It's been a wonderful year- with ups and downs, many many laughs and a few struggles. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Last night Me and Nate were talking about little ways we've both changed in the last year and they were all positive things! (Maybe we we're both just being extra nice ha ha) It was fun though to look back and see how we've grown together. 

I'm excited to get started on our second year of marriage. I feel a little more prepared for any challenges that may come. It's fun to think where we might be a year from now- or 2 or 5 or 10. I'm just so glad to have Nate by my side and ya know- it's just fun to know we have the rest of forever to be with each other and create more memories and have limitless adventures. 

I think the poem above helped me to remember that hard times will come- but if we continue to do what's right- the Lord will always be there to help us and guide us. I have faith in the future because of that knowledge. 

sometimes i'm a little clingy :)

{this morning i had such a hard time letting nate leave for work and at 5:20 am being 1/2 asleep i think it seemed like the worst possible thing. anyways, after he left i couldn't go back to sleep . . . i was thinking about him and hurried and jotted this poem down. after that i was out - almost slept thru all 3 of my alarms ha ha}

when you look at me, i feel like you can see inside 

and i know it'd be so foolish for me to try to hide 

but i like it- yes, i do . . .  

i'm not ever getting over you 

you hold me long, you kiss me sweet 

and somehow all my fears you defeat 

and when you make me smile- 

it's like the world's on pause for a little while 

let's just stay in this place 

you know i love your handsome face 

isn't it neat? isn't grand- 

that i will always get to hold your hand? 

can't believe your all mine 

and life is sweet and so splendidly fine. 

i've decided i truly lucked out, 

cuz you make me so happy and that's what love's about :) 

believe

i believe in dreaming. i believe in sunsets and rainbows. i believe in butterfly kisses and hot afternoons. i believe in bubbles and making wishes. 

i believe in being honest and passionate.

i believe in singing. i believe in being me. i believe in tickle wars and pillow fights. i believe in giving chances and stealing second glances at something that catches my eye. i believe in winking and blowing kisses. i believe in compliments. i believe in constructive criticism.

i believe in laughter.

i believe in late night phone calls. i believe in shooting stars and wishing wells. i believe in freckles and padded bras. i believe in stripes and polka dots. i believe in teddy bears. i believe in seat belts and toothpaste, straight teeth, and long passionate kisses. 

i believe in being in love.

i believe in sharing and caring and doing what's right. i believe in alarm clocks and calendars. i believe in shoes and lip gloss. i believe in deodorant, dresses, puddles, campfires, and fresh cut grass in the summertime. i believe in keychains and rubber bands, red pens, and bobby pins. 

i believe in writing what you feel and i believe in saying what you think. 

I BELIEVE IN GOD.

i believe in long naps, climbing trees, picking dandelions, and dancing when no one is watching. i believe in superstition and intuition, revelation, inspiration. i believe in being modest- in thought and dress. i believe in standing up for something. 

i believe in goals and i believe in causes.

i believe in fuzzy slippers and fluffy pillows, picnic blankets, shady trees, being frivolous and just silly things. i believe in hairspray and dryer sheets. i believe in being feminine. 

i believe in unforgettable moments.

i believe in knowing what you want and going after it. i believe in contact solution, lucky pennies, old musicals, and poofy dresses. 

i believe in being maturely immature.

 i believe in breakfast, kitty cats, and welcome mats. i believe in back porch swings and pink lemonade. i believe in sunrises, surprises, cherry blossoms, daisies, lilacs and lilies, dragon snaps and pansies, tulips and roses. i believe in photographs, love notes, journal entries, handmade sail boats, wind chimes and butterflies.

i believe in losing track of time.

i believe in being on time. i believe in flats, flirting, and chocolate frosting. i believe in natural beauty. i believe in having a plan B.

i believe in color and i believe in heaven.

i believe in good intentions. i believe in being loyal. i believe in dressing up. i believe in warm, comfy pj's. i believe in good friends. i believe in being accepting. 

i believe in angels.

i believe in personal space. i believe in classy PDA. i believe in good manners. i believe in being kind. i believe in being barefoot. i believe in lazy sunday afternoons. i believe in being daring and adventurous.

  

i believe in the power of the priesthood.

i believe in compromise, except when it comes to your values. i believe that for every choice there is a consequence- whether good or bad. 

i believe in creating peace.

i believe in the power of self-control and determination. i believe some things are not meant to be understood. i believe in rain boots and thunderstorms. i believe in dream catchers. 

i believe God knows all.

i believe in treating others the way you would like to be treated. i believe in morning snuggles and i believe in midnight snacks. i believe in positive thinking. 

i believe in being a thinker and a doer. 

i believe in doing things without seeking a reward. i believe in prayer. i believe in music and dancing. i believe in willpower.  i believe in motherhood and i believe in making memories. i believe in sit-down  family dinners. i believe in eating slowly. i believe in letting go and moving on. i believe in taking it all in. i believe in learning new things. i believe in embracing chaos. 

i believe that there is power in believing in something 

{whether or not it is truly important doesn't matter, because}

 i believe my beliefs make up who i am. 

regret

In the dictionary the word REGRET has a few meanings:

A. "to mourn the loss or death of"
B. "to miss very much"
C. "to feel very sorry for"

Weird.  I guess I never really thought about it much in those ways.  And I'm not sure people really use 'regret' like that.  For example: when Nate is gone, sometimes I miss him very much- but would I say, "Oh, Nate, how I regret you." ???  Um, no- it just sounds wrong ha ha.

Ya know, it's not really a word I use that often- maybe I've always used it incorrectly . . .  but I wanna talk about my definition:

"wish I hadn't done that"

or I think more correctly:

"because of actions I did or didn't take I now feel upset with myself and have a hard time not thinking what I would have done differently- it's hard to let go."

Yes, that's exactly how I view regret.  Sure, there are some things I've felt that way towards but many of those experiences I've learned something from so it makes it worth it.  I remember reading a quote once that said something like:

[it is not the mistakes we make 

that determine who we are, 

but how we deal with them].

I think that's so true and maybe it is also because I believe so firmly in the power of repentance.  That even if we do make awful mistakes, because of Christ's atonement we have the opportunity to express our regret and take the appropriate steps towards repentance and be forgiven of those things.  Isn't that amazing?  I love it!  And I love that there is no limit to it.  It applies to all sins or regrets, big or small.  And then it goes beyond that and can heal you and help you move on.  Those sins, regrets, internal struggles are lifted and you no longer need to "feel sorry".  Because of sincere repentance, it no longer matters.  I'm not saying that consequences will be removed but the Lord will help you through them. 

I think it is safe for me to say that the one thing I truly regret is not listening or following the Holy Ghost when I've felt it's promptings.  It is there to help us avoid temptations and bad situations, but also to guide us and help us help others.  When we don't follow it I think we are kinda setting ourselves up for failure and regret and I think that most of them time we know that.

I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the Gospel and of repentance.  I am so grateful for a loving and forgiving Heavenly Father who allows us to have a million second chances if we want to.  But that's the thing- we need to want it, want to be better and continue to deal with our mistakes.  I think once we have that desire it is easier for everything else to work properly {the atonement, repentance, feeling God's love, forgiving yourself... just everything :)}

favorites

About a week ago I asked Nate if he knew what my favorite things were. His response: "Hmmm... reading, sleeping, eating?" Ha ha I was like, "Well- yeah... but I mean things- like items."  He said, "Oh, that's hard- you're not very materialistic." (which is true) We then both threw out a few things that could possibly count. It's funny cuz ever since then I've been thinking...."What ARE my most favorite things?" This is what I decided on:

NATE

[of course :)] I love pretty much everything about him and anything that includes him (kissing, snuggling, just hanging out, etc . . .)

GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES 

total comfort food mmm . . .

LONG SOCKS

i hate short socks- they have to go like clear up to my knees ha ha or else they just drive me crazy

THE TEMPLE 

so amazing. the end

JUICY FRUIT 

not the gum ha ha but like actual fruit that is juicy. i crave it all the time!

BOOKS 

i'm not picky. i love to read- it's like escaping into a different world

MY BLANKY 

:) i'm trying not to think of when i won't be able to sleep with it anymore ha ha i know i'm such a baby

EASTER DRESSES

ok, so i love dresses in general BUT there is just something special about getting a pretty spring dress around Easter time

RED LIPSTICK 

i think personality wise i'm not a really BOLD person. i don't take a lot of risks so it's kinda fun to wear bold makeup- i mean really- what are you risking? you can wash it off at the end of the day

MY SCRIPTURES

i love that i have my own and can mark them up and write little notes and things in them. reading someone elses' scriptures just wouldn't be the same.

SWIMSUITS

ha i think i have at least 8 different ones . . . nate has one. they are so fun tho

FIREWORKS

just so pretty and magical- they take my breath away

MUSIC

i LOVE music! it can be so uplifting and just make me feel good all over

CURLY HAIR

curls can be kinda flirty or more formal, they can be just fun or super glam and feminine. and there are so many different styles you can do with them.  i love that my hair holds curl so well. i think it looks better curly vs. straight. i also love that i've got such an awesome curling iron :)

OLD MUSICALS

they are just feel good movies

There are other things that are my favorite but I can't really say why. Maybe it's just apart of who I am. Like wearing an apron when I cook or wearing my rain boots in the rain, doing a friend's hair or counting my tips at the end of the day, Sunday mornings, wearing Nate's clothes, singing in the shower, spending time with family, setting goals, writing Nate little love notes, driving with the windows down and the music up, catching up with a friend, learning something new . . . I know there's probably more but I think that mostly covers it :)

"smile like you mean it"

Yesterday, while I was driving all over the place I heard that song on the radio and it just made me think of how people are so much more beautiful when they smile . . . and they mean it. When they are truly happy and you get to see it in that expression. I believe when people are doing what is right that happiness just shines through.

Yesterday was my day off this week and it was literally jam packed, but oh so good!  I got up early to do a beautiful bride's hair at 6, then the rest of the day was spent making sure her hair looked perfect- plus I somehow squeezed in 3 haircuts, lunch with a friend, a visit at my grandmas, and played with my adorable nieces and nephew.

Even though it was a long day, I felt so good [besides the leg aches] because I know that I had made other people feel good. The bride loved her hair and was so appreciative and just so sweet and kept thanking me over and over. The haircuts I did had similar reactions- just so grateful that i'd take time out of my busy day- my day off- to do their hair. I truly believe that sometimes all it takes is a different or updated hairstyle to boost your confidence and that is why I love doing hair. I love making people feel good about themselves. I love making them smile. I think I like doing hair more outside of work cuz I'll usually do it without a mirror and then when I'm all finished I'll tell them to go take a look and it's like a big reveal - I love it.

The last haircut I did was for my really good friend, Julia {love her to death} and we ended up talking an additional two hours after the haircut ha ha. I love chatting with friends and just talking about life and having meaningful conversations. I love learning new things about my friends and seeing how they deal with certain challenges. Me and Julia have been friends since 7th grade and it's amazing to me to see the relationship we have now compared to then. Because we cherish the same values, I've felt our friendship grow. I love that! And I've seen that with a few other of my close friends and I am so grateful for them in my life and the example they are to me :)

I went back to my parent's to gather some things before heading home and was attacked by 3 little munchkins ha ha I love them so much- they are just so sweet and full of love and light. Right now I cannot fully imagine the love I will have for my own kids cuz I love my nieces and nephew so much- my heart is full- I would do anything for them. I'm so glad that they are all so close and that I get to see them often, that they know who I am and that I love them. I love to see them play nice and be kind and happy. Love it when they are all smiles and giggles and it breaks my heat when they are sad or get hurt. I just care about them and want them to be happy!

I just loved that my day was full of good friends, family, and beautiful happy smiling people :)

love songs

so i dunno why but the other day i was thinking about how a lot of love songs i like are actually off of movies and then i was trying to decide what would be my 

TOP 10 FAVORITE ROMANTIC SONGS 

FROM MOVIES

it was so hard to decide ha ha but here they are:

1) "Once Upon a Dream" from Sleeping Beauty
2) "So This is Love" from Cinderella

i had to put those two songs first because they are the ones i find humming to myself when i am in a really good mood :) it's funny cuz i'll start humming the one and then without even knownig i'm humming the other.

3) "If I Loved You" from Carousel

this is my all time favorite movie! i love all the songs in this movie and i always always cry in it.

4) "Moon River" from Breakfast at Tiffany's

ok, so maybe this is not technically a love song but i still love it, so i say it counts :)

5) "I'll Be Seeing You" from the Notebook
6) "Brighter Than Sunshine" from A Lot Like Love
7) "Tammy" from Tammy and the Bachelor

i watched this movie with my parents when i was engaged and after that i'd sing this song all the time- except singing, "tasha, tasha, tasha's in love" instead of tammy. ha ha i know, i'm so cheesy, huh?

8) "On My Own" from the play Les Miserables

when i was younger i was obsessed with this play {still think it'd be a dream come true to see it live} and we had the cd. i used to play this song on repeat, it's kinda sad but it is so good! i love it.

9) "Honeymoon" from I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now

so, if you haven't noticed i love old musicals. this one is really old (still in color tho-1947) and i have yet to find someone else who's actually seen it. it's such a cute movie. on our way back from our honeymoon i had this song stuck in my head. 

10) "You Were Meant For Me" from Singing in the Rain

there you have it!

it really was so hard to decide the order 

and there are a few songs that didn't make the list but came so close:

"I Could've Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady
"When the Children are Asleep" from Carousel
"Come What May" from Moulin Rouge
"Tonight" from West Side Story

thoughts of you

doubt flashes over hills of inconspicuous realizations 

sharp and stinging 

like the lightning that electrocutes my soul 

leaving me numb and tingly 

every time i close my eyes and see your face. 

it takes me back to another time 

when the air was thick with golden sun rays 

and my head was filled with you, 

when the world glowed with unnaturally vibrant hues

and the only thing 

worth reaching out to was your sweet embrace 

suffocating me with warmth and often unruly passion 

intoxicatingly frivolous

i was then, blinded by that light that shone 

from the depths of your eyes 

like the moon resurfacing a lake after hiding 

in the menacing clouds. 

your voice rings in my ears, but not the way it should 

it's angry, upset 

i overcorrect- losing balance once again 

my thoughts wander aimlessly

like they're lost in a dark forest unable to decide which path to choose 

for each pricks me with a sense of fear. 

lack of bravery and undeveloped determination 

play key 

in my melancholy melodic symphony. 

the soft tune pounds in my veins throughout the entirety of my existence 

making it impossible to sleep 

without dreaming of the if's and then's that engulf my thoughts 

holding me prisoner in myself. 

escaping excluded from the options i weigh 

i'm forced to live with me

...and thoughts of you from day to ever ending day.

march 2008

Others sing themselves to sleep 

while inside my head I write 

You wish you had the best of me,

but I'm not sure you're worth the fight 

And if you're thinking the same thing 

I don't really care,

cuz I was willing to let you in-

but you wouldn't let me share 

I'd let you turn the pages in my book 

if you promise to skip chapters 1 thru 9 

But just in case you didn't know...

before you came along, I was just fine 

So don't be thinking that cuz of you 

my world is crashing down 

cuz in actuality-

you're just another noun 

Saturday, December 20, 2003 4:33 pm

Someday,  I'll  know  why  I  wasn't  meant  

                       for you

I don't understand now and there's nothing 

                    I   can   do

I  wanted  you  with  all  my  heart

you realized that and tore it apart

         now  I have  to go along

         pretending nothing's wrong 

                          I'm   alright,   I'm   okay

                          just don't look at me that way 

you've  done enough  damage, you've done 

                      enough harm

    yes,  doing  it  all  with  your  wonderful

                          charm

Tell me you're sorry  ---  say that you care

This isn't a game -- why can't you play fair?

I'm sorry for  hoping  and  wishing  for you

I'm sorry  for  all the  sleepless nights  that

                          I  knew 

I just wanted acceptance, approval, and all

But I messed up, tripped- I'm slipping, might

                             fall

          Always just wanted you to see

              There's more to this silly,

                  dumb girl inside me 

{it's funny how this one is about a guy i hardly knew. i seriously knew nothing of heartache then, but at the time i felt so rejected. reading it makes me think it'd fit almost any other guy better ha ha i guess it's true how they say you never forget your first crush... although, technically, my first crush was david menlove in kindergarten he he he i guess this was my first crush that i was actually old enough to date. whoa, i just realized besides one phone conversation in which he informed me that he didn't want to go to girl's pref with me - i have never talked to him. ever. wow}

side note

       I've written several poems about Nate- during different stages of our relationship and they are so special to me because I love him like I've never loved anyone else. However, a lot of poems I have were written long before I met Nate. I think I started writing when I was about 15. It is such a release for me. I tend to hold my emotions in and then explode later, so writing it all out helps immensely. A lot of my earlier stuff is kinda sad or angry. Ya know how it is during those teenage years when you think no one understands and you're a weirdo for feeling the way you do? Ha ha, yeah I got lots of poems like that.

       I also think I wrote at least one poem for every guy I ever really liked. Even though I don't have those feelings now it's fun to read things I wrote a while ago because I capture so clearly the things I felt at that moment. I feel like maybe when I have kids and they are going through things and think I'll never understand I can pull out some of my poems and say, "Ha read this! See? I do know what you're going though." Life isn't perfect. No one is happy all the time. Everyone makes mistakes. And I think that's the beauty of it: to be able to look back and see how far you've come, to see that you've made it through, and you've changed because of it.

       There are a few poems that I've re-read from when I had my very first crush and they are so hilarious. It feels so good to know that I've matured from that moment. And there are others that are desperately sad and I'm so glad I found a way to get through those hard times. Maybe it'll help me to know that when future problems/hardships arrive I'll get through them, too. Anyways, just wanted to give ya a little insight because I think the next few poems I'll post will be pre-Nate. It's not because I'm unhappy where I'm at, and it's not because I wish things were different. It's simply because these poems are full of real emotions I felt at that time and I love the wordplay or rhymes I used to express it.

       I don't have regrets; I don't feel sorry for the things I've felt. I believe I am the person I am now because of my experiences- good and bad. Without them I just wouldn't be the same. And I'm really beginning to like the person I'm becoming :) I just hope I will never settle with myself because I know there is always room for improvement.

quote

I love finding good quotes. I used to collect them, but I have always had this one favorite:

"GREAT MINDS DISCUSS IDEAS, 

AVERAGE MINDS DISCUSS THINGS,

SMALL MINDS DISCUSS PEOPLE."

Whenever I read this quote I think about how true it is. And isn't it sad when all we do is talk about other people? I think everyone is guilty of it but it would be so neat if we all discussed the things we believed in or hoped for instead of "did you hear this and that about so and so?" I dunno- I think it'd be awesome. You'd probably get to know a person a lot better too. I guess this quote just really makes me not want to gossip. I'd rather not think of myself as small-minded :)

"july flame" by laura veirs

i love laura veirs :) i love this song, especially since it is july- it just fits. you should listen to it, but if not... here are the lyrics:

July flame
Fiery kite

Will-o-the-Wisp

Lead me through the night

July flame

Sweet summer peach

High up in the branch

Just out of my reach

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

July flame

I'm seeing fireworks

They're so beautiful

Tell me why it hurts

July flame

Ashes of a secret heart

Falling in my lemonade

Unslakable thirsting in the backyard

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

Can I call you mine?

psst! another song of hers i love love love is 

"summer is the champion" it's just so good!

rain

it's raining words inside my head 

things i've thought but never said 

i'm running backwards in my dreams 

i feel like i'm ripping at the seams 

i'm waiting & waiting 

(more contemplating) 

tripping over & over again 

wondering when it will all begin 

the rain is pounding like my heart 

but still i'm waiting for it to start . . .

fast sunday

So usually during Fast and Testimony meeting I kinda review my testimony. Sometimes I say it in my head the way I would if I were to get up and share it. I think I've only shared my testimony 4 times publicly (seminary, twice in the singles ward, and girl's camp). I'm kinda a baby when it comes to public speaking. And I always feel more nervous afterwards ha ha which makes me feel like I should have just kept to myself in the first place. But I know that when others share their testimony, mine is strengthened- so it makes me feel bad that I have such a hard time with this whole public thing. I seriously get so nervous I think my heart is going to explode! Anyways, this last Sunday I thought a lot about my own testimony- more than usual- even after we got home from church I was still thinking/pondering about it. I feel like I need to share it. I should. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the Gospel- why not share that with others? It'll be so much easier to do it here than in person, but it's a start, right?

I know that my Heavenly Father lives and that He loves me and watches over me. I know He has a plan for me.

I know that Jesus Christ suffered, died, and atoned not only for my sins but for my heartaches, pains, afflictions- anytime I have ever felt down or lonely- anytime I have ever been hurt in any way. I know that it is my duty through faith and repentance to utilize the atonement. I know that I must do my part to receive the blessings Heavenly Father has to offer. 

I also know that Satan is very real and that he wants to bring me down- he does not want me to be happy or receive blessings. He wants me to feel discouraged and to forget of the love of God and the power of repentance. Everyday I need to be on guard and look out for Satan's temptations. But I know that my Heavenly Father won't allow me to be tempted above what I am able to resist. Which means Satan will only win if I let him and I will not. I cannot. There is nothing I want more than to be surrounded by my family and loved ones in the presence of my Heavenly Father again. And I know I will get there if I am faithful and strive to keep the commandments.

I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God. It truly is "another testament of Christ". I know when I study my scriptures often and abide by it's council I am brought closer to God. And I know that I can receive personal revelation from reading and studying them. 

I know that the Holy Ghost is a gift to guide me and that by listening and following it, I will always be safe. 

I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. There is no other way. I know that it is through that special relationship that we are to bring Heavenly Father's children into the world and teach them of Him and His love. I know that through the amazing sealing powers of the temple our family will be eternal. 

I have a testimony of the priesthood. I know it is real- that it is truly power from God here on earth. Without it so many basic principles of the gospel would be empty: baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, patriarchal blessings, eternal marriage . . . They are all only possible because of the keys of the priesthood. 

I have a testimony of patriarchal blessings. I know they are a special message, a personal message from our Heavenly Father to help us feel of His love, to give us guidance and hope. 

As I said before, I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and as I do what is right and live my life according to the gospel principles and Christ's example His plan will begin to unfold. I know that I have great potential because I know I am a daughter of God. I know that He is the only one I should try and please because His judgment is the only one that matters. 

I know I will continue to make mistakes in my life and that many times I will fall short of my goals, but that makes everything I know so much more meaningful. I know if I try my best, my brother and Savior will take care of everything else. That is part of the plan of salvation. A plan I know and believe in with all my heart.